Marriages Restored

Newly Hung Lights

***Warning***  The following post contains R-rated language.  It is a true story from Christmas season 1999 that I post each year.

The last evening class of the fall semester was over.  I felt a warm sense of accomplishment and relief as I turned away from the lightly dusted white foothills into the dark and cold of my twenty-year old neighborhood.  Soon the dark gave way to the many houses adorned with flashing and not flashing lights.  Icicles seemed to be a popular style of light this year along with the usual array of red and green and, of course, Santa, reindeer, angels and sleighs.

As I turned onto my street I noticed some newly hung lights in front of my house.  They were the flashing kind.  Instantly, I became concerned and peered across the street at my neighbor's house.  Richie, Candy, their Dalmatian, Honda and their Basset, Lightning lived across the way.  My heart and soul turned downcast and pained.  Richie had been battling with cancer for a decade and it had recently turned up again for maybe the last time.  Was he dead?

Amazon Shopping on Black Friday

If you are avoiding the crowds at the stores on Friday (or other times) there is a way to help Marriages Restored if you are shopping at Amazon.  For anything purchased at Amazon when you enter through this site, Marriages Restored receives a percentage.  You can click on any book on the right of the page or simply click  Holy Curiosity by Winn Collier and shop away. 

Happy Tday

Happy Thanksgiving from Missouri!

Love Your Life: Living Happy, Healthy, and Whole

Every NFL stadium has a personality suited to that city.  In Denver the 70000 fans have a common word they'd yell after the opposing team threw a pass that didn't make it to the intended receiver.  Say the Jets were in town and Brett Favre dropped back and threw a pass to former Missouri Tiger, Brad Smith, the announcer would reverberate through Mile High saying something like, "Pass from Favre to Smith was..." (I feel like I need a period soon but I'm really not sure. :))  And then every orange and blue clad Bucky Bronco head wearing, crazed high altitude maniac would yell, "IN-COM-PLETE!"

Let's get this right.  Announcer says, "Pass from Favre to Smith was..."
You yell, "IN-COM-PLETE!"
Good job. 

And so it is that the word IN-COM-PLETE keeps coming to mind when I read Victoria Osteen's book, Love Your Life. 

Now no doubt many people are finding a relationship or renewing a relationship with God in her and Joel's basketball arena.  He works in an infinite number of ways and I'm glad for that.  And there are many thoughts she shares that I agree with, but this book, which was sent to me for free so I feel obligated to write about it, is... IN-COM-PLETE. 

So, it's not bad, it's just half the story.  Victoria's big loss that she shared was not getting the house with the pool as a young wife and in some ways this book doesn't go too much deeper.  There is a place to see the good in our lives, to have gratitude for blessings we take for granted, to be nice to others. 

But for the harder things in life the term...just for a season...is implemented.  In other words you can grieve for a bit, struggle for a bit, but you need to get on with it.  There is a subtle pressure, or not so subtle to get your life together and get a smile on your face.  She doesn't go deeply into the real deep need we have for Christ, the real poverty of our condition, the intense brokenness that books like this tell us not to think about for too long.  But life isn't either/or it is more all the above. 

Here is a quote from Winn Collier in his book, Holy Curiosity.  You won't find this in Love Your Life.  

Jesus' did not come to help us maneuver around our brokenness; Jesus came to enter our brokenness with us.  The gospel is not a therapeutic system tooled for enhancing our ability to cope by believing hard enough and smiling big enough and quoting just the right mixture of bible verses so we can distance ourselves from our negative emotions.  The gospel is the story of the world as it actually is, our lives as they actually are.  The gospel tells us we are broken, more broken than we know, and that our world is in shambles.  Jesus does not encourage us to ignore what we have lost, but rather to mourn it, to feel the deep sorrow over the devastation we were never supposed to know.  The gospel instructs us to want and wait and hope for God to make the world right again.  We do not need a God removed from our destruction and insisting we are all ok.  We need a God who knows in his bones how sick we are and who will not leave us to ourselves.  We need God to rescue us.

...We must feel the full weight of our shattered heart; and then, splintered remnants in hand, we must turn to God for redemption.  I am suspicious whenever our religion has no room to weep or mourn or be angry.  I am suspicious when we move too fast past our pain.

Our pain is a rich avenue to joy.  And they coexist.  Pain and joy.  It isn't an either or deal.  But Victoria's book doesn't quite get there.  It is IN-COM-PLETE. 

And you can buy her book at Wal-Mart.  But you won't see Winn's there. 

Why You Should Tell

'Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets'

                                          ~~Paul Tournier

Please Dr. Dobson « ellen haroutunian

Please Dr. Dobson « ellen haroutunian.

Black and white thinking causes lots of problems in our lives.  My friend, Ellen, has penned a thoughtful essay on Christmas and why merely avoiding certain stores misses the point.  And she does a great job of guiding us to the point. 

My Response to an Ugly Email or My Wife is a Beautiful Glorious Woman

Here is a post from several years ago. 

I had not received an email like this before. It just makes me shake my head and wonder what gospel he knows.

Ben, Your marriage is not restored. Once your wife cheated on you, you have no marriage. It's over. It is a terrible thing to continue the charade. Turn her our(out?) and get a decent woman who will be faithful. You are just fooling yourself and playing a dishonest game. She is no good and deserves the worst. You are acting like a fool. The Almighty has a decent woman out there for you. Just have the courage to look.

I think he missed the part where we non-Jews are grafted into this whole scandalous grace-filled gospel.
Aye, she did cheat on me and it hurt tremendously. I am well acquainted with the feelings of why adultery was punishable by death in the Old Testament. When I found out about her affair, God showed me some of His heart in that law.

God also showed me other aspects of who He is. He showed me that I too deserved to be turned out. I was let into this party undeserved myself. I was a drunk. I missed my son's first birthday getting drunk at a golf course. I blasphemed. I didn't provide for my family. I lived a coward's life then.
I could fill up an entire blog of why I do not deserve this gracious love of Father.

And Father does love me. He does value me as His son. I am dearly beloved. Today, I try to live from the strength and courage He has filled me with. He showed me some of it when I called out to Him and quit drinking a few months later. He showed me more in dealing with the pain of adultery.

The foolish thing would have been to cut and run when I found out about the affair. The act of a coward would have been to send her out and to seek another woman. But God showed me that the woman with the Scarlet A is sometimes the most righteous woman in town. I saw God churn and soften my beloved's heart. I witnessed a miracle in her heart and in my own. The Almighty, because He has chosen her, and because she abides in Him has made her a decent woman. Nay, she is not a decent woman. She is beautiful and glorious. She is the bride of my youth. Father delights in her and sings over her. So do I.

This Kingdom Journey is not all about me. I do not claim to have the perseverance of Hosea. But I know something of his walk. If I thought only of what brought me the least pain in the moment I would have sent her out. I would have missed out on what God really means for marriage. I would not know the joy that he has set for us in this life between husband and wife. Suffering does really produce perseverance and perseverance really does produce character and character really does produce hope. Hope in Him. I walked with the bride of my youth through The Valley of Achor and we both entered into His Hope.

My Lord and Savior did not send women out. He castigated the men who thought themselves worthy of doing so. He chastised the ones who said thank God I am not like the sinner. He treated the hearts of women like treasures of great value instead of viewing women as a mere possession.

Jesus encountered the adulterous woman. He took his time. He played in the dirt for a while. He stood up and talked to the men who wanted to stone her and then he played in the dirt some more. He did not stone her. And then he offered her great words of hope. He conveyed to her that she was not her worst behavior. She was more than a woman who slept around. She could leave that life of sin and be more.

My Ann is more. Yes, she did sleep around. She is more. The pain of her sin has been used by God to make her even more beautiful and glorious. It is Father's great gift to me that I am permitted to be her husband.

Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday I turned 47.  I had a great time with my small group in the morning.  It has become such a rich place of community for us.  All of us have had significant or are having significant struggles in our marriages.  And we are all growing, seeking to know our own hearts and thirsting for God. 

I realized in service how wonderful my life is.  Grace pours down on me.  Tears flowed down my cheeks.  I appreciate being married to Ann, I like my church, I get to hang out and talk with people and see God at work in their hearts, how my kids are each unique and wonderful and how it all could have been so different. 

Fourteen years ago the revelation of Ann's affair was only 2 months old.  My heart ached.  My life felt like chaos as all those dynamics which brought us to that place were being learned and exposed.  My propensity to offer my heart to another woman had a light on it.  Truth shot out of a fire hose drowning my understanding of who I was, what my marriage was, and what life was going to be.

After the initial Tsunami, life was still hell for a long time.  Every day there was a part of me that wanted to run.  I desired OUT!  A voice shouted from within that surely it would be better to start a new life than rebuild this one. 

Somehow in the hell, Ann and I were able to walk along the shores of the wreckage together.  Yep, at times we wanted to shove each others head under for a five minute baptism and at times we walked on different sides of the island, but we walked together. 

Ann mentioned in group yesterday that we each made a commitment to grow for the rest of our lives.  And we are.  We read, we seek to live in community with open hearts and we long to know God even when it means having our selfishness and sin uncomfortably exposed.

I heard Larry Crabb tell a story recently about being a jerk and his wife responding with tenderness.  He had us search our own hearts with the question, 'Am I willing to look bad in the presence of love?'  He said if the answer is yes real change is possible.  He shared, 'Brokenness releases love.'  In his sin Rachel had touched something deeper within him. 

If we can own our junk, our self-centeredness in the light of the love of another, somehow we are able to experience our deepest need, to be loved and to live out our deepest longing, to give love.  In our vulnerability we receive a cup of life generating cold water for our thirst.  

As Ann and I walked along those beaches through our littered, shipwrecked life fourteen years ago I had no idea we were doing that for one another.  We tripped and stumbled and screamed but we did it.  We cried, we soothed, we whispered but we did it.  We did.  We do.  After 47 years of my life and just over 23 years of marriage we do.  We still do.  

My life is absolutely drenched in grace. 

Nouwen on Joy and Sorrow

Sometimes the stage is set in Christian circles for an affair because we try to live too narrow a life.  Narrow may not be the best word.  Safe.  We try to live a life too safe and predictable.  Our souls are made for more and at times that may emerge in unhealthy ways when that 'more' is suppressed. 

I have a friend who says there is nothing straight about the narrow.  It's like a winding two lane highway through the countryside versus the wider more predictable interstate.  Sometimes it's good to take the interstate for speed, but if that is all we ever do our souls will atrophy without the ups and downs and twists and turns of the more unpredictable two lane that may or may not have wide shoulders.

We are made for more.  Sometimes that is misread and an affair occurs.  That never excuses an affair.  There are an infinite number of better ways to address it and stretch our souls and have life in our marriages.  But in hindsight, in the wreck that occurred in a predictable life, we find a soul that atrophied and suddenly was awakened by one who was not his or her spouse. 

Being aware and feeling the impact of both sorrow and joy is a way to be on the narrow, winding road.  Owning what is wonderful and what is painful often reveals God in ways we didn't imagine.  Owning that and sharing it with one's attentive spouse is a surefire way to build closeness in marriage. 

Here is Nouwen,

Joy and sorrow are never separated.  When our hearts rejoice at a spectacular view, we may miss our friends who cannot see it, and when we are overwhelmed with grief, we may discover what true friendship is all about.  Joy is hidden in sorrow and sorrow in joy.  If we try to avoid sorrow at all costs, we may never taste joy, and if we are suspicious of ecstasy, agony can never reach us either.  Joy and sorrow are the parents of our spiritual growth.    

 

Personal Psalm

My time at the AACC (American Association of Christian Counselors) conference in Dallas was rich.  I heard many fine talks, sat in some helpful workshops on sexuality, marriage and addictions and caught up with some old friends.  It was a time for sharpening my skills as a counselor as well as have my soul shaken and stirred.  In an all day workshop of experiential learning we each wrote a personal psalm.  Here is my offering. 

There is a weary place in my soul, Papa.
It has a permanent address and receives posts all day long.
The letters pile up unopened, waiting, waiting
For your voice to reverberate this locale with meaning.

For you can know all the words on my heart.
Your words put meaning to my deep ache.
As you speak to this permanent home,
The sun rises, the dove soars, the cool breeze maracas the leaves.
And I dance in the delight in your eyes.