Robert, my thoughts in this post contends that loving our wives go beyond those feelings of attraction, which you mentioned. Several other posts can be found here and here. Basically the point is that love transcends the physical or mental and actively seeks out the well being of another...and though this may consist of Leadership it is not necessarily just Leadership.

The source of love is found in the fact that Christ died for us and gave Himself for us (Eph 5:2). As a demonstration of God’s love (Rom 5:8), as a substitution for our sins and as a satisfaction of God’s anger…Christ did this (Rom 3:25, 26). He did this in spite of outright rejection (Mark 8:31). He did this in spite of completely unattractiveness on the part of His people and Himself. He did this in spite of complete incompatibility with sinful and rebellious people.

With such a tremendous example of love we are to actively reciprocate our love to Him and subsequently, to others around us. The benefit that our wives receive is that our reflection of Christ’s love is completely given over to her well-being and betterment (Eph 5:25).

Unfortunately society has painted a mural to love and it is colored in fading shades of attraction and emotion. On the contrary, the Bible speaks of a love of a man pursuing his spouse in the darkest hours and in the most difficult moments…constantly, powerfully, actively seeking her greater good and doing so in a manner that glorifies Christ by mimicking His example of giving Himself for the Church (Song 1-8).

This is practically difficult and with our mortal bodies we may consider it nigh impossible. So I would say that a person might feel emotionally detached and mentally unattractive but this can be overcome by personally, effectively, dynamically doing what Love demands in practice. You will be taking the initiative in this action in loving her as you would love your own physical body (Eph 5:28).

All the words you wish to use to ignite the old flame of attraction are empty without this active love. All the understanding in relationships, or the wisdom of the Dr. Phil’s of the world will not help you in your situation. This will take hours of prayer, days of dependence on God, very hard work, dedicated kindness, void of jealousy or arrogance towards your wife and complete opposed to bitterness in yourself. In so doing you will have to take great pains not to overly react to anger and to bear with many things you may go through in this process with endurance and with expectation (1 Cor 13; Col 3:19).

So in practice I would first look to the Lord. He is the fount of all Active Unconditional Love and it is to Him that we get a better understanding of others. Without Him we find ourselves in dire straights and our situation then has little to do with marriage but our relationship with Him. Afterwards we can effectively deal with our home and marriage.

In so doing we are to provide for her, be near to her, listen to her, respect her, talk to her, be gentle with her, remove bitterness from our voices, be open to her, tell her what is on our mind, put her on the top of our list, spend time with her, share in burdens with her, provide for her, think of her, write to her, help her, go out of our way for her and chiefly pray with and for her.

When our lives are given over to this powerful rhythm of “For Her as Him for Me” or “For my wife as my Lord Jesus Christ for Me” you will find that the attraction will return and with power. But this is not the goal. You will also see that she reciprocates…but this is not the goal. You will  find yourself growing in Leadership in the home but this is not the goal. You may find her submitting to your Leadership but this is not the goal.

You will find that each of you are growing closer to the Lord of creation and become public examples of what He has done. That’s the point.

I’ll post this as an article as well so that you may see it if you don’t visit the comments section.

Prayerfully,
-r-

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written by Cheryl, June 08, 2005

Your article is uplifting for me. I\'ve been marriage for 181/2 years and my christian husband is emotionally detached. During times of illnesses and hospitalizations, he says he loves me and our son but would drop us off at the hospital and not come back even to visit. His excuses are that he had to work and was too tired. He is also has a hard time with communicating his feeling. Our marriage is now very strained and has been for a least 5 years. my husband is now in counseling but I feel his arrogance is preventing any progress. My faith in God has strengthen but we don\'t have any since of intimacy. Our friends and family think we have a great marriage but what we have an business arrangement. I marriaged a warm, friendly christain man on the outside and a distant one on the inside.

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